I am dead
I wonder what it is like to be alive
To feel
I know I am not alone
I hear the silent screams of others when they are alone
The silent plea for help
I’m like them
When alone the tears fall like a waterfall
I am dead
I pretend to be okay
How are you feeling
Fine
Lie
How has your day been
Good
Lie
No one can tell
It’s a mask
The perfect mask
I am cracked, broken
But fine
I am dead
I feel invisible, unwanted
I touch and break everything in my presense
I just want to be loved
But don’t deserve it
I worry I am not good enough
I am dead
My mind is a dark place
If you were to enter it you would get lost in a sea of horror and terror
The night terrors
Inner demons scary enough to cause a heart attack
They have haunted me for years
Silently creeping through the night
Moving for hours
When they leave peace comes
I am dead
I am a coward
NO!
Act strong
NO!
I AM A COWARD!
It’s true
The truth always surfaces
I’m afraid, frustrated , anxious, UNHAPPY
Conceal it, conceal it, conceal it
Let them know and you fail
Let them know and it makes you stupid
I’m scared
Scared for those I care about
Scared of myself
Scared of my mind
The potential it has to get lost in itself
I am dead
I feeling it building
Uh oh, the lump starts to form
My eyes hurt
Run!
Be alone
You have to make it
A tear falls
Almost there
Now find a place to hide
The bathroom
Lock the door
The bedroom
Block the door
Now let it out
Don’t make any sound
They can’t hear you
It ocerwhelms my heart
It aches
It hurts physically
Relieve it
Relieve it
There!
Scratch over and over again
It hurts but feels good
It’s red but feels good
They rise
Focus on that
Ow
Keep going
Stop
Focus on the new pain
What emotional one?
Oh no
It’s worse than I thought
Don’t worry
It’ll just rise then fall
Rise then fall
You’re okay
It is getting better
I am dead
Oh no
It’s building again
Stop
Never
My breath shakes
I need a distraction
My arm sure itches
SCRATCH IT
I begin to run it
NO SCRATCH IT YOU IDIOT
Fine
I use my nails and dig into my skin
It feels so good
Scratch harder, faster
Okay
My arm turns red
I continue moving faster
What was that?
I look down and see raw skin
That’s going to hurt in the morning
It heals
But it leaves something
A reminder
A scar
Anxiety is a pain
I am dead
They always seem to follow me
Their curiosity
Piercing my soul
Whats your name
Don’t look at them
Mari
Please don’t say something else
Where did you dmtransfer from
Shoot
Short and simple
T.E.A
Cool
Thank God
It is over
I am dead
Stupid
Coward
Afraid
Ugly
Fat
Anxious
Evil
Psycho
Scared
Idiot
Pretty soon you start to believe it
You just have to keep telling yourself it
Stupid
Coward
Afraid
Ugly
Fat
Anxious
Evil
Psycho
Scared
Idiot
Say it over and over again
Stop
STOP
STOP
STOP!
I am dead.