my heart beats too fast

you may have wondered
what do i mean
when i say
my heart beats too fast
and i wish i could give you a quick explanation
a softly spoken sentence
a fast funny story
but i am afraid
i have a lot to tell you
i think i’ve always had too much to say
that was confusing for a young girl
with a loud head but a shy silent mouth
a girl who was filled with pride
then soon replaced with flooding self doubt
these thoughts were born with me
out of the womb they and i came
lingering in my palms when i crawled across the grass
sparkling in my hair when i went to my first dance class
the first thing i found out that i wasn’t very good at
they trickled down my cheeks when we put up the signs
for my kitten we lost the very first night
they whispered in my ear when i made new friends
some stayed forever and some came to a thirteen year old’s feared twisted tear-filled end
these thoughts flooded my eyes when i fell into love
didn’t know how to float in this ocean of bright red emotion
sent from somewhere up above
these thoughts swam down the drain
when i decided to listen
to the fingers of boys who pointed to dark hair on my arms
these thoughts glowed in the dark
when my best friend and i played pretend
loved who we wanted
lived where we wished
swore to ourselves that this place we dreamed of would exist
i’m sixteen now and i still visit that world in my head
they followed me into the big foreign doors
they poked my shoulders when i finally started to pay attention
they stole my smile and convinced myself i was headed in the wrong direction
they stepped on my sanity and flipped my insides out
made me feel like i was freezing
perception of love turned upside down
i would look down and see my heart shaking
it’s like i physically saw and felt it breaking
it produced too many of these thoughts to take
it was like it it went overboard at a certain age
while my heart was busy making a mess out of my mind
i tried to distract her then scare her away
begged her to slow down
take it day by day
i began to sleep with music on
i can’t sleep with music on
but i’d rather lay there half awake
than to be stuck here
alone with these thoughts
all they want to do is burn me
how did i not catch
the day they decided to turn on me
it took too many nights to count
too many meltdowns we call too hard to explain
too many ups
too many downs
too many times i thought i was there
to be pushed right back around
but there came a night
like i prayed there would
and i learned how to speak to my heart
pulled her right out of the dark
we made an agreement that we would turn our battles into art
so i braided my thoughts
all through the night
tied them beautifully with a purple ribbon
i knew we would be alright
my heart promised we’d work it out
of course the road would never be smooth but i’m blessed to say
i’ve learned how to make a beat from the bumps
to dance in the dark
until i’m laughing at myself in the light
i knew we would be alright
i thought it was a curse
just to confuse me so i’d crash
but now i’ve learned
maybe it’s a blessing
that my heart beats too fast


Austin High School

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