Wanting

I stand on my sunny porch
Watering my plants that are begging for water.

I think back on my life
Wondering if I’ve truly lived a full 70 years.
I haven’t gone skydiving,
I haven’t swam with dolphins,
I haven’t met myself.

I walk inside, a cane in hand
Wishing I had more time left.
To travel the world,
To try new things,
To see my grandkids graduate.

I sit in a chair by the window
Watching the kids play in the street.
Riding their bikes,
Playing tag,
Constantly screaming and laughing.

I smile brightly like they do
Wanting to feel that way again.

I lay in my gloomy room
Water dancing in my tear ducts.

I think about my life
Wondering what I should’ve done differently.
I should’ve cared more,
I should’ve been there for them,
I should’ve been there for myself.

I let a tear run down my face
Wishing my life would just end already.
I don’t need to travel the world,
I don’t need to try new things,
I don’t need my family to see me suffer.

I look through my camera roll
Watching my childhood home videos.
My younger self giggling,
My younger self loving,
My younger self before everything happened.

I smile like my younger self does
Wanting to feel that way again.