The day he left us,
it was just another day in life,
“We’re putting him to sleep.”
they told a 6-year-old me,
I didn’t process though,
I didn’t cry
like I should’ve
I strapped on my velcro shoes and went to school,
The day didn’t feel like it
should have
the wind that danced around me was a ballerina light on its feet,
not whipping and twirling too violently as it
should have
The lights of the cafeteria were tenderly illuminating the world,
not blinding and overwhelming as they
should have
Only when my not-gone-as-should-have day
ended,
only when I was sitting around the dinner table
did I realize
I realized he wasn’t there begging for food under the table,
I realized never again would he be ,
I couldn’t grasp why he left,
I asked where he was,
they told me
“He’s gone, honey,
we put him down today.”
I finally understood what
I hadn’t before,
that he would close his eyes forever,
that I wouldn’t be there with him in his last moments,
I cried,
wet, salty tears formed floods that swept away the whole world,
I cursed myself for not knowing,
for living happily when he could live
no more.
everything was only regret and
loss,
temporarily.
I built up my world again from the ruins the tears had left behind.
I learned to dance with the wind again
to see the lights as softly glowing again,
Now I sometimes think about that
too-normal day
I see that I didn’t realize the truth
that morning I left for school instead of
staying with him.
I see that I despised myself for not knowing until
too late.
I was hard on myself,
I see that.
But I still wish for a
goodbye.
So now I say it softly to the empty room,
“Goodbye Toby”