It was a Tuesday morning
Father was driving me to school
He did this on occasion
The radio was on
After the daily songs
A trigger warning was read
And then
It was said
Depression cases for teens were not dropping
Suicide rates were skyrocketing
Day after day
I knew exactly how they felt
The want for dying
Not surviving
But I couldn’t tell anyone
Not yet, anyway
Who would believe
A second grader
They’d think I was dramatic
Sometime later
Maybe a month
Could’ve been a week
Possibly more
Potentially less
I sat at my desk
An envelope in hand
The envelope held
My emotions and thoughts
I left it on Mother’s bed
I was sent to therapist number one
She was a school counselor during the day
A therapist at night
We would talk and play
But never about
What I wanted to say
I didn’t believe
That someone my age
Could even feel
What I felt anyway
Going into sixth grade
I met therapist number two
I spilled my guts out
On day number two
How I wanted to die
How I didn’t need to survive
She helped me cope
Helped me make
My bad thoughts fade away
Later that year
Around New Year’s Day
I had just gotten
A medicine change
My mood was bad
Irritable and sad
My thoughts were coming back
And I couldn’t hold back
I was told to put my laundry away
For some reason I was pissed
I locked my door
And grabbed fluffy yarn
I finger-knitted a noose
Not very sturdy
But I thought it would work its use
I wrote a letter
I put it in an envelope
When I pulled the string
It immediately broke
Then came night
I felt really numb
Because I hadn’t told
Anyone
I went to Sister’s room
Brother was there too
I told them what had happened
Then they called Mom
Later that month
I had a doctor’s check-up
I marked it on the sheet
That I had attempted
To end my life
At some point
The doctor decided
That I would be admitted
To a psych hospital
I cried and screamed
But in the end
I packed up my things
And left to the ER
To get the help I needed
I sat in the ER room
For hours
And hours
The ugly walls
And annoying sound
This was most certainly hell
But finally
At 1 am
I was awoken from sleep
By an EMT
The ride on the ambulance
Was surprisingly pleasant
I had been obsessed with first responders
So I asked many questions
Trying to distract myself
From what was to come
Once I arrived
It was 2 am
I was interviewed
For hours
And hours
So many hours
After a check-in with the nurse
I finally got to sleep
It was 5 am
But I knew I was getting the help I needed
Those ten days
Were up and down
There were positives though
Nugget ice
My favorite cereal
Patients who had similar problems to me
But it was also very stressful
Group five times a day
Constant supervision
But I eventually got discharged
Unlike many others
I went straight back to school
It was good for a while
But then it went downhill
My thoughts came back
Big and strong
Not even therapist number two
Could keep me at bay
Sessions twice a week
And medicine changes
Then it was good
For at least a while
Seventh grade went okay
My thoughts fluctuated every day
Friendships ended
New ones were made
A friend of mine
Had problems like me
They got admitted
But they still had me
Even the next school year
After they had left the school
We kept in touch
Always there for each other
Then I got worse
My thoughts got bad
The second week of school
I had to leave early
Because I didn’t feel safe
From myself
It took months of looking
For an outpatient program
The ones that were perfect
Didn’t take our insurance
The ones that could fit
Didn’t have what I needed
But after many weeks of trying
We found one that would work
It was three times a week
For around eight weeks
That’s where I am now
And through the many ups
And downs
Life is a game I thought I could never win
But I’m slowly getting better
Learning where to place my pawns
How to detour the obstacles
And how to look for solutions
I’ve learned that I may not ever
Have a happily ever after
But after all of this
I hope to stay
I hope to be alive
For many years to come
I hope not to cause
Other people hurt
I hope to help others
Overcome their problems
But that’s not where it ends
I’m always looking for hope
It’s everywhere
Choir concerts
Birthdays
New friends
Summer camp
Hope is everywhere
And that’s what I live for
So that’s my story
A story of surviving