It was a bitter winter’s day when my inhibitions became a distant memory
With the abundant warmth of my house still caressing my skin
As I tread through a winter wonderland flecked with sparks of light, strokes of dark
My pockets held mittens and a small note I wrote a few hours ago
In case someone came across this place and I was nowhere to be found
You’d promised me you’d meet me before the sun rose
Because you didn’t like the sunlight
Said it took away something from my appearance when it shone
I didn’t agree, but didn’t speak
Not wanting to raise my voice, constricting with uncertainty
You reassured me I was like the sun to you
And promised that I’d always be your one and only
As long as I’m in your life
The shadow of the tree wove a pattern on your cheek
I see it now as vividly as when you first met me
The color of your eyes when they filled with tears
Sweetened with the maturation of your professed love
In the frozen landscape, your words generated heat
I recall a feeling of detachment
Lack of sensation
Bottled in a syringe
That was locked tight
In this world of shadow
The way you squeezed the inside of my palm
Threatened to burst the cap
And my imagination would run like liquid gel
Smooth onyx streaming in a river of confession
You hated when others would walk their dogs in the park
You said they were just obstructions in the way
Following a map to a chest full of treasure
You’d it so there you and I would be alone
And I would feel lonelier than ever when I was with you
I had told you the night before three words
I specified that friends could love each other, too
Why didn’t you understand that?
You were so desperate, you said you needed me
And couldn’t accept it when I said I had enough
I had hoped a night’s sleep changed things in the morning
But it failed me just as I had failed you
You couldn’t pretend to be sane
You started screaming and shaking
Complaining loudly about how the world was against you
Angry at things you could only see
So jealous by my happiness
Frustrated by the fact that I had guy friends
My name on your lips was a deadly weapon
To ensure that you’d hurt me with it over and over again
Puncturing my confidence in my personality and goodwill with your bad association
And to see that no one could stop you from standing within my arm’s reach
In the softest, most dangerous voice you’d croon to me
Telling me about a hidden paradise, one far away from your wreck of a reality
Only I, as the girl, didn’t possess the keys
That’s when you broke the news that you had to be the one to take me
What kind of paradise is it, one without the sun, or passerby, or seemingly anything
The way you wouldn’t ever smile unless at least nine of your fingers were attached to me
And if your head wasn’t resting on my shoulder at any given time
Or if you were imagining a particularly dirty series of things
“Lilli, it’ll make you happy, the way you were meant to me.”
I’ll be the one to make you happy
That’s my line you took against me when I was at my low
If only I knew then what I knew now
You tried to give me what you needed, not what I did
The way you would kiss my neck without my permission
And take advantage by refusing to let me go
When I pushed you away
You made me think I’m insane
All those times I didn’t recognize how dangerous you were
Trying to negotiate what’s been broken when you lied and omitted and threatened
In the nights you would call my phone to talk about yourself
And not even tell me that you were in the mental hospital
And that your mom had handed you your depressants
With an instruction to overdose
Or that girl you talked to for a week
That kept away from you after you shattered their fragile trust
I lost my 15 years worth of dignity on the spot
But you never respected it in the first place
Honestly I don’t care if you do
I can enjoy the sun rising in the morning without you
I can bask in being alone without feeling lonely
I never needed a man to make me feel happy
When you talked about a hidden paradise
There were always details that didn’t feel right
A melody out of tune, a movement out of sync
Looking now it’s clear to me all along
The hidden paradise was inside me
Refracted through your desperate intentions
And twisted through your broken heart
It took me a lot of struggle with you to find where it was
It took everything I’ve been through to realize that I was enough
My day with you has come to a conclusion
I am enough
Round Rock Early College High School
11
