Some days I wish to dig my nails into my flesh
To shed my skin like a winter coat,
discard it for the warm rays of summer
Maybe be bones for awhile
Bask in the feeling of being empty, of being a ghost, a shell
But unfortunately, my body and I seem quite attached
So instead I’ll keep my body but remove my brain
Float it like a balloon above my head, half stuck-half free, never quite anything
Suspended in air, dizzyingly out of place
Going through the motions without emotion
Yet, in the end I find myself crawling back, body and mind nothing without one another yet in constant combat
I’ve been fighting a civil war with myself for 17 years
Who I am on the inside resenting the person on the outside
I stop to wonder if they’re even different people
I try not to wonder
Resent is a lot more palatable than vulnerability
So I’ve found myself resenting things that scare me
And oh how I am scared of myself
It’s easier to trim my body off like a split end
Not think about it until it grows back and breaks again
The cycle repeats, over and over until I can’t remember a time that I wasn’t snipping
Cutting off the unsightly bits
When did I decide it was so unsightly?
Who taught me to loosen ties with something so determined to love me that it continues to come back, despite my constant abuse?
My body and me
We’re quite attached
Although we’re not yet friends
But yet still I find myself staying, loving, longing for change, to improve
I see the love my body gives for me
Despite my efforts to cut it off
To sweep it under the rug, detach myself from it’s presence
It’s been a painful war between us
But my body is not a battle ground
It is a temple
A place of worship
A house that one day I hope will become
Home
Anderson High School
12