Vision+Voice

Growing Old

Today I’m a teenager
The freedom
the moodiness
falling in love
It all feels so real now
Sitting at home wanting to cry for random reasons
Like someone eating all the cereal
My feelings vary
Like a roller coaster of emotions

Today I’m an adult
Enjoying life
mad at life
annoyed at life
Nothing ever stays the same
You will feel one thing
Then it changes
In the matter of a second
Out on the town enjoying a nice dinner
All the sudden
I am crying my eyes out
Never knowing why

Today I’m in my middle ages of life
Becoming old
everything has changed now
Getting on to my kids
Going to back in time
When I would argue
Or
Not do something I was told
Then my mom would say…
I will understand one day
It’s all starting to make sense after all
Like a million pieces coming together
Making my life that much easier

Today I’m a grandma
Feeling like I’m no longer in control of my life
Sitting at home
using a cane
taking naps every 30 minutes
My body chooses
not me
Feeling like I’m happy inside
But not knowing what’s happening on the outside

Soon I will not be with you
Never knowing when
Never knowing how
It’s not up to me
It’s not up to you
It’s not up to anyone

I closed the door and stepped back
Staring at the sidewalk cracks
Hoping to wake up
From a dream that was corrupt

Why did we have to leave
It was so hard to believe
It was time to leave my friends
Waiting for the dream to end…

Oh how I missed my old school
With broken windows and creaky stools
The memories I made
To leave them I was so afraid

The memories I made
I was thinking of them as I laid
On my bed, in my house
I hear the squeaking of a mouse
I’m back at home but it’s so dark
I look outside at my old school’s park

I tell my friends I’m coming back
To that old school
To that old shack
This dream just seems so abstract
When I wake up my mind goes black

at the edge of the world, i sit,
my voice was restrained,
and riddled with pain.

flashing back was a trife,
pressing slowly, suffocatingly.

at the edge of the world, i sit,
waiting slowly,
for nothing to come.

with my ending come near,
the flowers wilted in pain,
it echoes my agony.

at the edge of the world, i sit,
digging my nails into the ground,
scarring the earth with a scorching pain.

i carefully peer into the open world,
where ruins of skyscrapers,
and shattered skylines lay low.

at the edge of the world, i finally stand,
and with that ending note, i fell,

your embrace was long gone,
now replaced with the void’s,
but i felt warmer than i ever did.

Enter its depths, but there’s always more to breach.
Never enough, never-ending, every sound and sight-
Ceasing to know if there’s a way out, but why would you want it?
Heaven is nothing if it’s not amongst a place like this,
Acres of flora taken swiftly from dreams,
Not a single patch of grass rooted in reality.
This is nothing like reality,
Endowed upon you-
Don’t blink, lest it disappears.

For when the breeze swirls through the mist,
Omnipotent in it’s thick haze,
Realizing a way free is impossible.
Even further it invites you,
So do not resist!
The trees can stay for eternity in your mind.

Red tears on a summer evening
fall without a place to land
fluttering as though they might sprout wings
sprout something loveable and beautiful
but the dry air is not kind to the water of life.

Red tears on a summer evening
should really happen in the night
when there is no witness to watch you cry
other than the distant moon that aches for you too.
The sun cannot ache for you
discomforted as it drips beneath the horizon
wishing it would be over already.

Red tears on a summer evening
are not synonymous with blood
but you wish they were
so your turmoil could show itself
as something other people understand.
There are many questions about a gash on your cheek
and scars on your skin
but they are quiet for splinters in your heart
and cracks in your love.

Red tears on a summer evening
dry up too quickly
but leave your eyes puffy and worn
even when you rush to the bathroom to wash your face.
You cannot rinse grief from the mind
only freeze it in harsh chills
and let it slowly melt
dripping throughout the next day.

Red tears on a summer evening
do not want to leave you
nobody wants to leave you
but they do anyway.

A single raven flew through the inky-black night sky
Swaying around the dimly glowing streetlights
Flying nowhere
Gliding around
Darting down
Reaching up
Twisting
Twirling
In the chilly air

Rapidly he slows down and perches atop a pole
Looking down at the city, full of fluorescent, colored lights fills his eyes
Buildings blur together making a rainbow of light
Not an odd rainbow, one very common, yet still as magnificent as could be

The raven sits comfortably, not a sound coming from him
This site always changes the way he views the new world, a different kind of beauty.
Every day he is presented with the gift of this seat being able to see the world
With a whole new vision.

I like the idea of eating cookies with hot cocoa in winter,
Lots of chocolate, fun, and warmth,

Watching Christmas movies inside with my family,
Wrapped up in a blanket, curled up in a ball,

Or outside with my friends,
Throwing snowballs till we fall

You wake up with no senses
Over the coming seconds
New smells flood your brain
Dizzy lights dance across the sky
Hearing beeps and muffled voices
Being lifted in the air, feeling the doctor’s hands on your wrists

Going home, in a comfy stroller
Looking around at new sites
Houses in deep shades
Cars in light shades
A bright sky
Things you cannot possibly describe
Falling asleep in a crib upstairs, your mother next to you
She looks at you as your eyes close, suddenly afraid of the darkness

The first day of school awaits
Colors everywhere: red, green, yellow, blue, and purple
Everything is so bright and welcoming
The teacher welcomes you into the classroom
Sitting next to you is your longtime neighbor, and you realize something
You’re going to be here for a long time

The first day of middle school is before you
You don’t want to get up, but you do anyway
Dragging yourself downstairs towards the bus
You head to school
There is your elementary school crush, who waves to you
You wave back and go to your classes

Heading to 9th grade is no sweat
You already went from elementary to middle school
Your mother drives you
She gives you a peck on your cheek
Saying goodbye to her only baby

Its the last day of senior year
Hanging out with your friends
Getting the courage to ask your crush to dance
A kiss under the night sky
Stars dancing, a nice breeze

Heading to college
A new world
Your mother sobbing in the crowd
Hugs you tight and wants never to let go
You wave goodbye

You meet a person you want to grow old with
Meeting their parents is a challenge
Your partner switches views
You move on

This is the one
You clink glasses and celebrate
You propose under the evening sky, a sea of oranges and violets
They accept and slip the ring on
One kiss

At the wedding
Your mom greets you and walks you down the aisle
You give her a hug
Your life is starting

You kiss under the trellis filled with white blossom
Heading home in your car
Talking about the beautiful day

You have your first child
A beautiful name, Amelia Rose
Your first blossom on the family tree
A second baby, Lily White
Another blossom on the family tree

Your kids head off to college
It’s your turn to wave goodbye
Just like your mother, those many years ago

Your mothers funeral
She was already declining
You put a white blossom on her casket
Whispering a prayer

Your kid’s babies
They are brought into the world
Being a grandparent is exciting
You only wish your mother could see you now

And now it’s your turn
You’ve already accepted your fate
You say goodbye to your loved ones
As the last candle flickers
You slip into the darkness

Goodbye smell of candles
Goodbye to the touch of wood on your bed
Goodbye water, the taste still on your tongue
Goodbye family, holding their hands
Goodbye voices of your daughters
Back where you came from
Goodnight