Vision+Voice

i can’t dare to yearn for you
so instead i’ll cross my fingers behind my back
stare up at the stars
and wish that you’d shatter me
wish that you’d wrap your hands around my throat and squeeze
and with every last ounce of my soul
i wish it would break you too

i don’t dare to dream of you
but if i did
i’d wake in the dark of every night with tear-stained cheeks
arisen from visions of my own blood spilled
all over your polished hardwood floors,
your carefully manicured hands,
your open mouth.
you’d lick your bloody lips and i’d follow a drop of crimson down the column of your throat
look up into your uncaring eyes
and make you watch the life leave mine

i won’t dare to speak to you
but i looked you in the eyes once
you held no spark of recognition there for me
(though i swear we knew each other in some other life)
(i won’t blame you for forgetting)
i groveled at your altar
dirtied the knees of my brand new slacks trying to make you feel worshipped
‘cause i know it’s what you crave
your face gave no emotion away
save for the vaguest shadow of quiet displeasure
you’re a greek goddess
carved into bleached white marble
unknowing and uncaring of me
your starving devotee

In the bleak months of winter
In the bedroom that wasn’t just a room
In the house that felt like a home
In those precious moments, I felt the warmth of summer

The warmth of tanned skin
Of hiking trails and laying in the sun
Of staying up late with the stars
Of kisses upon bruised shins

After the bleak months of winter
After the bedroom that wasn’t just a room
After the house that felt like a home
After those precious moments, I felt the wrath of summer

The wrath of blistered skin
Of tangling paths and the heat of the searing sun
Of the night underneath the gilded stars
Of scars accumulated on already bruised shins

*

Clinging to the warmth
Ignoring the wrath
I failed to notice autumn’s approach
The seasons changed, as they always do
Summer disappeared as soon as the frigid winter winds blew

My steady mind, chasing that mare-filled sun,
A bird; imaginary broken wings;
Trapped in ribs, kneeled to one.

Clawed and teethed, never wrung.
Rising, with or without and without, it sings:
My steady mind, chasing that mare-filled sun.

Annoying voices filling falling, leaking lungs—
Sewed with piercing bows and purple strings—
Trapped in ribs, kneeled to one.

Golden flesh, memories of tongue.
Newest one, paired clumsy hands, and to, it clings,
My steady mind, chasing that mare-filled sun.

The green men, a hundred and won
Begin a two, that truth it stings,
Trapped in ribs, kneeled to one.

Flaming stars, cupping death, wailing high, running run
Wander yonder under over turning rings.
My steady mind, chasing that mare-filled sun.
Trapped in ribs, kneeled to one.

I cannot go to school today said little Peggy Anne Makay
If only she knew how you feel
You wish you could call in sick but that excuse was exhausted years ago
Years? Or months, days? No, it couldn’t be. Much longer than that wasn’t it?
When had this crushing sadness, searing anger, and helplessness truly
surrounded you? A feeling that you can’t place for your life.
But secretly you are growing stronger the feeling consuming you no longer!
Yes, you still can’t place the feeling but it bothers you less and less. you know it won’t fully go away not for a long long time but you won’t let it stop you any longer.

The sky cried bullets
Streets ran red
I hunched over my guitar
A single tear shed

The metal rains down
Screams are yelled up
I beg for a pause
For this mess to break-up

Then the clouds open
And nothing is heard
Just the pitter-patter of rain
And wails that are slurred

Down.
Down.
Down.

I sink deeper.
The thin walls hold my weight
As the rain gets steeper
The world’s a clean slate

Though nothing feels new
And houses are scattered
The town we once knew
Scarcely now mattered

Still, water falls
And I mirror the sky
The world becomes blurred
Guitar far from dry

The room now feels blue
And then I’m alone
Just an old man and his guitar
In a place I used to call home

Sitting, looking out at the window,
Just relaxing, feeling the wind blow.

I see gray, red, orange, yellow, and a little green,
A hilly countryside as far as can be seen.

A cloudy gray-blue sky darkening into starlit,
Fog rolling down from the heavens like a red carpet.

Christmas music playing in the background,
Hot chocolate in tin mugs being passed around.

Lights and decorations being strung on every house,
People giving gifts to their children, parents, friends, and spouses.

December has arrived.

Basketball

The excitement
The energy
The motivation from your coach
The teamwork
The communication
The dribbling of the ball
The squeaks of the shoes
The competitiveness
The talent
The heart
Back and forth
Up and down the court
Defense
Offense
A crossover
A shot
SWISH!
The crowd cheers!
This game brings exuberance to my heart
Even though it can sometimes be hard
I still keep pushing
But at the end of the day, it’s all about having fun
I love basketball

A merciful hand squeezes the sponge in my mind
As the grip tightens, my body weakens
Driven by love, resulting in hate
Comparison leads to a desire for numbness
The goal of perfection leads to despise
Despisal for the very entity that gives the gift of dance
My body
Movement heals, but it also reminds
A lasting reminder that no matter what
The joy will at some point be lost
The sponge dry, the hand tired
Music will no longer demand motion
Death of a hobby, turned passion, turned love
My gratitude lasts long after the fire is put out
True love for the fire, hatred for the burn

I know now that our friendship was only a season
A short cycle in the infinity of time
when seeing you was what I looked forward to most
The anticipation of summer in the winter

I know now that no matter how close
no matter how vulnerable our conversations
no matter how much we laughed in the middle of the night
the memories did not last in your mind as they did mine

I know now that it was meant to be temporary
You made new memories in other seasons
Memories that replaced our summer

I sometimes wonder if I have always known this
If in the back of my mind I saw you fading
As the weather grew colder you lost your warm feeling
but I put on my coat and gloves
I added layer upon layer
I held on until I couldn’t bear the cold

I know now that I will be ok
As the layers melted off I felt unexpected relief
A relief that allowed me to find myself again

I know now that seasons change
Summer eventually turns into fall

I wish I would’ve known then what I know now